My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
