I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
