why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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