Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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