I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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