Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
