if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
