I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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