Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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