I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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