Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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