I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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