Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Randomize
