Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
