Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Is Oprah even human
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
