He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
