so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
