life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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