You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
