at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
