Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
