Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize