Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
