note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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