plz talk dirty to me
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
