from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
