I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
