the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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