3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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