To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize