you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
