Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
