Welp...herpes.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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