Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
