last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
