I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize