I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Randomize
