I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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