you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
