I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize