I feel like abortions should bother me more
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
be right there i have to get my cape
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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