Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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