he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
