I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
