I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
