I just saw a hot homeless man
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
