even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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