T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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