a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
