i can't believe i had my finger in that
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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