my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
