she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
