Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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