Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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