Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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