i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
All I want is dick and wine.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
