Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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