She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
