I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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