I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
