I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
